After the LARP

I am feeling- Happy, silly, a little tired, but mostly awake

What else I'm doing- Posting on the Wrestling E-fed I play in, and playing Neopets.

Strange memory- The day, in my old Changeling game, that I "seduced" my good friend Steve, In Character. I kept praying his girlfriend Meg wouldn't get angry and destroy me. She didn't.

Yay! I survived the July LARP, in one piece and of sound mind even. Not that I ever thought I wouldn't, but you know how it can be.

There were a few sucky things about the LARP, like the fact that Erik got sick right before we started. That meant Steve and I had to handle everything, since Erik could only deal with a few people at a time. It all worked out, even though I don't have a lot of faith in myself as a Storyteller.

There were a few moments in which it seemed like Steve and I were not doing so well, but after, a lot of players told us that they had fun. I felt a lot better after Erik felt well enough to come upstairs and join us, especially since he jumped right in on the Changeling plot in the scene and did what Erik does best, which is cause trouble and accelerate plots.

All in all, it was a good night. I started out playing Darien at the failure of a poetry reading that I co-ran at Elysium. I feel as though it would have been better if we got more than three player characters to actually read something. Still, those that got up and performed something did a really good job. Both Dan and Adam wrote something original for the occasion, which made me happy. I like when players get involved.

About halfway through the night, Steve and I decided to try livening things up with a different angle. We whipped out Countess Anne and Ashefield. I have way too much fun playing Countess Anne, because she is my wild and uninhibited character. Plus, it gave me something to do in which I didn't have to worry about saying the wrong things or upsetting people.

When Erik came upstairs, he played Lord Alan'D'rathal, one of my favorite NPC's of his. He looked like he was having a good time, which made the whole night worthwhile.

As a strange related side note, Dan Nyren takes one hell of a pratfall. He is one of our better players for getting truly in character, and I am sure he will soon be one of our better players.

So, in other news, as of about 1:44am, I think I may have broken up with Erik. I'm not sure though, since it ended on such an odd note.

I have never claimed to be one of the best people out there, and I know for certain I am prolly destined for Hell. Still, I hate the fact that some people seem to believe that I have no concept of love or loyalty whatsoever.

Chris wrote something in his journal about the LARP, and how much fun he had, and consequently visiting me at work the next day. Well, Chris is someone who I once considered having a relationship with, if things ever went bad between Erik and I. I even fooled around a bit with Chris, which did not please Erik in the slightest. Now, I still care about Chris, but had decided to make things work with Erik. The only problem with that is every time things started going really well, Erik would have sudden paranoid moments of low self esteem stemming from his fear that I was going to dump him for Chris. During these moments I would bend over backwards trying to reassure Erik that everything was going to be alright, and that I wasn't going to leave him. The one thing that I will never understand is how it seems that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough. Everyone has their breaking point, and mine was not far to come.

So, as Chris decided to point out in his journal, he, Dan, and their friend Mark visited me at work on Sunday. Dan and Mark decided to go get lunch, and Chris stayed with me while I dealt with customers and then chatted with him about LARP and Discworld. I knew that especially due to Saturday night and my actions as Countess Anne, there was a high amount of what could be termed sexual tension floating around between us, and I was fighting the urge to just kiss him and get it over with. Then Dan and Mark came back, and wanted to get going. They walked outside, and Chris waited to say goodbye when I got like, five customers. Chris decided that he couldn't keep Dan and Mark waiting, which I don't blame him for, and left.

So, about two minutes after Chris leaves the store, I manage to help out those buying stuff, and the others leave. I thought I would get some air, and hopefully clear my head. I saw Mark talking on his cell phone, realized they hadn't left yet, and started walking over to the car. Chris saw me and got out, meeting me about half way. I smiled up at him, told him to have a safe ride back, prolly said something else too, and gave him a little kiss goodbye.

I realized as I walked back inside that I shouldn't have done that, but as they say, it's always better to beg forgiveness than ask for permission. Erik eventually came and stayed with me until I closed, which was about a half an hour. I was happy, but a little confused and upset at myself. I'm in a great relationship with the guy I fought tooth and nail for, and even though I know it could be the straw that broke the camels' back, I can't stop myself from kissing Chris. If I had the willpower to OD on some sort of over the counter drug, now would be the time.

To make a long story slightly longer, Erik found out by reading Chris's journal, and got angry. Through a combination of outright bullshit and Erik-like cunning, he managed to convince Chris that I had told him, and just upset me entirely. I told him I was sick of the fact that we always seem to fight right as things start going really well. It must be the Irish in me, but even with my back up against the wall and the truth staring me in the face, I still will not go down without a fight. I would stand ass deep in an alligator pit and tell them all about the fine match set of luggage they will be made into when I get out of there. Most of my relatives are the same way, so I think it's inherent.

I really don't know what to do. I mean, I love Erik, and I have been with him for a little over six years. That is not something I want to give up on. Still, there is something about Chris that gets under my skin. I am under the impression that it is kinda like smoking, where you get the cravings but they make all sorts of stuff to help you stop. That means stopping should be easy, but even though you can spend most of your time in smoke-free buildings, that won't stop you from salivating when you blunder into that group of smokers.

It is really hard to be simply friends with someone you are attracted to. I wanted to try and make it work, because Chris is someone I enjoy talking to as well as being one of our better LARPer's. Also, he is one of the few people who knows all the ways to rid me of my terrible headaches. Say what you like, but when someone has the skill to know what music to play at what time, they are alright in my book.

I hate having problems in my relationship. What I hate even worse is when I know they are my fault. I know I should change, but I really dislike being told what I should do. There is no manual of Jill, so what I should and should not do are seemingly my own choice. Still, we shouldn't hurt the people we love the most, yet that's how it always happens.

I am still unsure as to whether or not Erik and I broke up, even though we have been talking about it for the past hour. I think we are still together. Then again, I definitely do a good job of pissing people off, including Erik. I can't seem to control that part of me, the part that thinks he is being overly-dramatic and even somewhat preachy.

I mean bytheGods....if you are pissed off at me cause I kissed another guy, then be pissed off and we can break up. If you don't want to break up for whatever reason, then why does my kissing someone else matter? I didn't sleep with him, and I am still trying to maintain a functioning relationship with you, and even if you believe that I don't want to break up wit you because I don't want to be alone or I'm too damn stubborn, you should think back over all of the arguments and conversations we have had about this, and remember who could walk away.

Sorry about that. I had to vent in a more personal manner, and I didn't mean to make it seem that personal. Have I mentioned yet that I really hate when you get into an argument with someone on-line, and you tell them to go away, so they call you, and you turn off your phone, so they show up at your house, at 1-something AM and start knocking on your bedroom window and no matter what you do or say to them they won't leave? Well, if I hadn't before, now I have.

AOL sucks, did everyone out there know that? Not only that, but realizing that your spelling skills are beyond suckworthy is also not a pleasant discovery. I need a personal auto-spellchecker.

I feel like swearing so much right now that it is really difficult for me to actually function. Erik and I are still talking about everything even though it is like ten minutes of 3am and I really need sleep so I can function tomorrow at work from 9:30 to 7:30pm. I have mentioned a good few times now that I just want sleep, but he doesn't seem to believe that we could talk about this tomorrow. We need to figure it out now, in his opinion.

I would scream, but since Erik kept pounding on the bedroom window I don't wnat to do anything further that would risk waking up my parents. I am in such a foul mood, and part of me thinks Erik either is pretending he doesn't realize it, or simply not acknowledging it.

He just asked if I was pissed off at him. I told him truthfully that I am pissed off in general. He might even believe me, but that is prolly doubtful since I am a lying little untrustworthy bitch. Sometimes he completely amazes me, and not in a good way. Like, he gets shocked and hurt because I am in a bad mood and don't want to continue to talk about things with him, yet I made no secret of my mood or feelings when he ws standing outside my house.

I think I am really starting to wish there was something you could take to dull your brain totally, without risk of death.

Again, I apologize for this entry. It started out happy and great, a few hours ago, and turned into the mess you have just read through. I'll prolly go back and recant some of the things I have said in tomorrow's entry, but for right now, I am just going to go to bed and hope everything is all better in the morning.

Am I still attached, or am I single? How the hell do I figure it out? If I am attached, we are prolly starting over, and if I am single then I have no idea what to do. What grand dreams I will have tonight. Don't you wish you were in my shoes?

I would love to end with some spiffy quote from Discworld, but I really don't feel like searching one out. Tomorrow I'll end with two.