Somebody else round everyone else

Why you have to go and make things so complicated?

Hallo, today�s diary entry is all about being real. I am sure the lyrics above are recognizable to most everyone bothering to look here, but if you don�t know, they are from Avril Lavigne�s �Complicated.� The reason why I chose those particular lyrics is because of how true they are.

I was sitting in Erik�s mom�s van yesterday, as we made our way to the Emerald Square Mall for some quality spend Jill�s money time. I really wanted to buy a three piece tailored women�s suit. It has actually been a dream of mine to own just such an item, and now that I can afford it, I was finally getting it. Actually, I only got the vest, pants, and the shirt, but man do I make one sexy banker. Now, I just need the right glasses and hairdo.

Anyway, I was flipping through radio stations, when I heard the opening chords of �Complicated� on the radio. I like the song, so I stopped on the station. Erik listened briefly, and then asked me why I liked the song. I thought about it and realized that I like the song because I can relate it to a few people I know. Then that fact started to bother me. As I explained to Erik on Friday night, I will now launch into here.

I consider myself to be a totally up front person, except when I�m working, which is entirely different. I am incredibly blunt, I speak my mind, I am only patronizing to customers, I try to be truthful, and I hate realizing that I have done something that I get annoyed at other people for doing. I would think that the people who call themselves my friends could be the same way, but I guess it�s harder than I think.

Erik does it. CJ does it, most of the time. CJ�s only failing is, like me, he tries to be polite about it. Rashid totally does it. Meg is the master of doing it. Why can�t everybody? Hell, it�s not like I don�t tell people what I would like. I�m rather direct, except when dealing with matters of a personal nature. That is changing though.

I am starting to realize that bluntness needs to be an everyday, excepting work, all the time thing. If I feel that the fact that some people tell me one thing and then tell my boyfriend something completely different, I will confront that person. If I find myself pussyfooting around someone because I don�t want to injure their feelings, I will remember the resiliency of the human spirit, and out of respect for them, be as straightforward as possible.

I guess part of what I don�t understand is how some people can be happy existing without freeing their mind and words. I mean, how far does one get being that which we wipe our dirty boots on? I have never understood the concept of sugarcoating, unless the person you happen to be dealing with is already in a fragile state. Still, I remember when Danni had gone into the hospital for a brief rest, she hated how people treated her like a porcelain doll when she came out. I didn�t do that to her, which caused a few people to decide I was trying to drive her back into the hospital. Instead, I treated her like I would treat Danni. How could she heal if everyone kept treating her like she was sick?

One of the things I really hate is when you start to like someone because of how they act. You tell them, and they change everything you like while insisting they are still the same. A good example is when you started to really enjoy talking to someone because of the great debates and opinion swapping you had with them while on-line. Then, you meet them face to face, and it all seems the same, but you casually mention next time you talk to them that you just happen to find them attractive. Then BANG! No more fabulous conversations, no more being treated like you have a brain, and definitely no more being simply friends. Now you are fawned over, left feeling as though you have been placed on a pedestal. You try telling the other person that you miss the way things were, the conversations, the verbal sparring, and they insist you haven�t lost it. So you try to get it back to that place, but they don�t really debate or argue anymore, not unless you push it. They try to appease you when you get annoyed, change their opinions to match yours, and seemingly just stand their while you throw everything at them.

Do you know how absolutely pointless it is to get angry with the person who hears your complaint and doesn�t defend their viewpoint? Can you understand the frustration of trying to get to know somebody better when all you can see is them patronizing you? I wish I could describe just how much it hurts when all you want is to keep someone in your life, and their actions are causing you so much pain and frustration that you know cutting them out is the best possible course of action.

Another thing I hate is how come it is fine for me to be blunt and full of attitude, but when Erik does it, people bitch about it behind his back. I mean, bitch and bastard are two different sides to the same coin, yet people accept that �Jill�s a bitch, and that is just her� while they seem to find Erik�s manner to be overbearing, annoying, mean, harsh, and so many other synonyms that I can�t think of. This is so fucking bothersome.

I want to make it perfectly clear that when I have conversations, the thought of having everything I say agreed with never enters my mind. If I wanted to listen to my opinion alone, I would talk to myself. I enjoy getting other viewpoints, so I talk to other people. I may not always agree with their views, but they always have the chance to change my mind. This is usually done through a cunning argument or a passionate debate expressing their reasoning in a manner I can understand. Sometimes this can even be done by seducing me into agreeing, but only if your name is Erik. Bribery is something I might respond to, but only under the right circumstances.

This is one of those moments where I am sitting here, so thankful that my boyfriend actually understands how I feel about these things, and agrees with me. I know I can trust him to let me know when I�m not being the real Jill, and if I feel he is acting un-Erik-ish, I can let him know. It�s that weird trust thing. We trust each other, so it works. We may fight, a lot even, but we always make up. Again, the trust thing. That, and love plays a part in there.

Recently, I haven�t been acting like the real Jill. I have been trying not to hurt someone who I thought could make a decent friend, and it has brought up problems in my relationship with both my boyfriend and some of my really good friends. It has caused me to lose respect in the eyes of some people whose opinion actually means something to me, and most horrifying of all, it caused me to start trying to act like something I never want to be again � a doormat.

I developed feelings for someone younger than me, less experienced, and didn�t want to hurt him or ruin that divine innocence that I found in him. I wanted to keep him around because he had new opinions and new ideas, and because he was and still is a cutie. I became rather stupid, trusting him too quickly, thinking that if I kept my distance I could possibly get away with being around him and not changing him. I didn�t want him jaded, bitter, anything like me. I didn�t want him dimmed. I wanted to be able to talk to him, feel incredible, feel smart, feel as though somebody respected my opinion and actually found me interesting.

I think it happened cause my boyfriend had other interests. Or maybe because I was vulnerable and wanted something different. I wanted to be looked at like I was actually human, and not like I was prone to exploding on people for the most idiotic of reasons. I wanted people to realize that I actually work hard and deserve to be recognized for it. I wanted to feel important. Well, this guy did all those things.

Unfortunately, once I told him how he made me feel, it seemed like I now had to not be so surly, so bitchy. Not be myself. I wanted to be softer, more feminine, but I couldn�t maintain it. I still swore too much, still used offensive words like cunt. This bothered him, and I found myself changing, insisting to friends I that wasn�t until I actually would go to swear and catch myself, suddenly startled by my discretion. I let him quell my temper by ranting to him, accepting it when he would soothe me instead of simply flying off the handle like I am so long used to doing. Another habit I didn�t realize was so cathartic until I tried to stop.

I feel perhaps that I misled him, made him believe that I am actually a lot nicer then I really am. Made him feel that with him by my side I could get through anything. Still, how good of a wall would he be when words didn�t stop the explosion of my temper, or when I launched into one of my tantrums? When I got so angry about something that I turned into a frenzy of nails, teeth, feet, and fists?

The simple thought of hurting him still has me near tears. I believe this makes me pathetic, because I have allowed him to affect me to this point. He has me buying myself flowers, because damnit, I work hard and deserve flowers, and if nobody else will get them for me, I can get them for myself. He has me wanting romance, slow songs, going to actual shows, dates, and the slow build-up of a true courting. Things I have always rationalized away as being what you do when you have the time and if you actually want to. If you are not romantic, you significant other should understand and accept this, and not harp on you because you don�t desire wine and roses.

I always considered myself a closet romantic, as in I would love it if somebody wooed me and pursued me, but I was down with heading to his house and watching TV while playing around. I used to consider going and gaming to be a date of sorts. Going and finding a place to park was a special sort of date, and still is. Hell, a long-standing date is going to Erik�s house to go back to sleep on those weekend days I don�t have to work. We haven�t been able to do that for a while though. Stupid work, stupid Lisa for not wanting to work weekends, and stupid head for wanting to explode.

I wish I could handle stress better. It settles on my shoulders and into my neck, in the form of mammoth knots that hurt like a bitch when Erik works them out. I think I need a heating pad. I might see about figuring out how to use the massaging jets in the bathtub too. I have Monday off, but first I need to clean the bathtub, since nobody else in my house seems to know how to.

Cleaning bathrooms, that�s keepin� it real.

No quotes tonight, but I�m sure one day I will just do a page of all quotes to make up for it. Be waiting.